by 莊景宜 Julia Jin Yi Zhuang

                         Beautiful Oblivion

      Dressing is important because it affects the impression one gives to other people. Dressing is an art; it can be rather simple or complicated. For Stella, dressing is her life. She is the type of “good girl” to the people around her, always quiet and obedient, easy to be neglected, unless she utters a word. She is nothing more than an ordinary girl; people won’t take a second look at her. Considering herself as plain-looking, Stella thinks that only through dressing well can she make others notice her. “If I dress more properly than others, maybe people will pay attention to me.” Therefore, she begins to try wearing different clothes. At the beginning the result is not as good as she expects. Sometimes the problem is the design of the clothes; sometimes it is the color. She does not know how to wear to make her look “special.” However, after a few years of trying, her taste about dressing is improved and her unique style is established.

“The suit on her is really nice. I wonder where she bought it,” “The design of that coat is really original,” Praises like these are often heard every time Stella shows up in public. The shy girl in the past has gone. Stella is more confident now. She is happy about the breakthrough she has made. But there is one problem: she seems to be addicted to buying clothes. She spends almost all her income on clothing. Clothes designed by famous designers such as Gucci, Christian Dior, and Chanel are all her favorites undoubtedly. The cost of these fabulous clothes is high, but she thinks it’s worthy of the money. “As long as people look at me, even if just one glimpse will do. I want to make them impressed.” Because she wants to look different, she buys many clothes to go with her dressing everyday, and she never wears them twice. The quantity of her clothes is amazing as years go by. Her friend makes a joke on her dressing, “Enough for you to wear at least for ten years!” But she just can’t quit the addiction.

    This habit becomes worse and worse after she gets married. Her husband, Tony, is fifteen years older than her, a good man with mild temper and good personality, working in a publish company. It is weird that they can get along very well despite their ages. They just match in many ways. Both enjoy reading John Updike‘s books, watching old movies, having a cup of cappuccino in the afternoon. Every time they meet, they have endless talks, as if to fill the lost times before they met. After dating for only ten times, they decided to get married. Stella is content about her marriage. Tony devotes himself to her totally. “You are my best friend and my princess,” Tony once says so. But the peaceful life is disturbed as Stella becomes insecure again. Tony is too perfect to measure up. “What is he really thinking inside? Does he think I am annoying?” These questions often occur in her mind. Sleeping beside her husband, she still doesn’t understand him. It is just like a veil is on his heart. But she has no courage to ask him.

Stella wears new clothes everyday, even though Tony praises her taste for clothing and delights about the way she dresses. But as time goes by, Tony feels uneasy. “Something is wrong with her. How come she bought so many clothes?” Tony is anxious. “She buys so many that the closet can’t contain them all,” Tony has to set up another room to contain her clothes. “I need to talk to her sometime.” At one dinner, Tony brings about his concern, “I really like you to wear beautiful dress and I wish you can be happy, but I think your clothes is quite enough, don’t you think so?” Stella just answers naturally, “Well, I think my clothes are not enough. Whenever I see a piece of new dress, I want to touch it to feel its texture with my hands. You know the fashion trends are changing all the time. I have to keep updated.” She gives him a sweet smile, “For women, there is always lack of one piece of clothes in her closet,” Upon hearing this, Tony says nothing. “Maybe I’ll just have to trust her.”

In fact, Stella knows perfectly what her husband implies. “Stop buying new clothes!” At the beginning, Stella always thinks that beautiful dress helps her catch the eye of others which is important to her. Sometimes it occurs to her that she does not exist in the world if she doesn’t wear stylish clothes. Clothes become the source of her confidence, gradually, center of her life. She buys clothes when she is happy; she buys clothes when she is sad. Whenever she goes shopping, she never returns empty-handed. To Stella, clothes bring her sense of safety and existence and fulfill her emptiness. Why is she so addicted to buying clothes? She doesn’t know. Nobody knows.

What Stella asks for is more than a stable and tranquil marriage life. She wants to go into Tony’s heart but she doesn’t know what to do. Stella never reveals her frustrated feelings to others. Unconsciously, she just keeps buying clothes for comfort. One day, Tony asks her to return the new coat she bought from Gucci. Coming from nowhere, her anger just pops out,” Why do you interfere this? It’s none of your business!” Then she goes upstairs and picks up the new coat and rushes out. No sooner does she regret than she steps out the door. “I shouldn’t have yell at him,” She cannot figure out why she is mad at Tony. She just shouts the words unintentionally. It is the first time she is aware of how addicted she is to clothes. “Tony is right, I should return the clothes. Besides, I already have enough to wear. I have to apologize to him when I go home.” Then she drives to the shop and returns the coat. But on the way home, she begins to miss the coat again. “That design is one of the kind. I wish I can have one coat like that in my closet.” Thinking about the dress, she doesn’t notice that the traffic light has turned and she keeps driving. The piercing sound of the horn breaks her thought. Suddenly, a truck comes from the other side of the road. Stella steps on the brakes immediately. However, it is too late.

After Stella’s funeral, Tony plucks up his courage to arrange Stella’s personal belongings. He looks around the room; the clothes are still there, but their master won’t have the chance to put them on again. He is surprised when he tallies out all her clothes. The quantity is too much for any one to wear in one’s lifetime. Even if he sends them out to all his female friends, mountains of clothes are still there. Finally, Tony has no alternative but to ask second-hand recycling center to take her clothes away. Soon Tony moves out to other place, leaving his house where he and Stella used to live together. Only emptiness and the memories for her echo silently.